The Light Switch

My hair was wavy from the lazy decision not to dry it the day before. It wouldn't curl and I was pressed for time after calling to confirm my interview. "It's at 9:15, ma'm," the school secretary replied. Good thing I'd checked since I thought I was meeting the principal at 10. 

My poof of a head of hair rushed out the door pulling into my former elementary school parking lot right on time. Walking in the church glass door the smell of my childhood hit me and 1,000 memories faded into view. Amazingly, Trinity looked so much smaller on the inside at 25 years old than it did at 5. Little learners in their blue & red uniforms waddled by in a line like a row of ducklings smiling and staring as all kindergartners do. 

When I made it to the principal's office I was greeted by the Assistant Principal, Mrs. A. Immediately my spirit connected with hers and I grew suddenly nervous. "You're just interviewing to sub," I reminded myself. But I knew without a doubt Mrs. A could see right through me. 

Half-way through the interview Mrs. A put her notepad to the side and looked me straight in the eyes. "What is it you're really looking for in a job?" she asked. It's not that I hadn't been asked that question before. When you leave your job and move home with no prospects the question rears its head a lot. But it was the way she asked me that was different. Almost as if she were saying, "What do you want your life to look like?"

I surprised myself with the honesty in my answer. I replied by telling her I really didn't know and felt I was stumbling around in a dark room trying to find the light switch. I didn't know exactly where it was, but I knew where it wasn't. 

I left the interview feeling more sure of my unknown circumstances than ever before. And I don't doubt that it had everything to do with the way Mrs. A closed out the interview. After asking if she could pray for me she added, "I feel like God has you on the edge of something great." 

Two weeks later I got a random call from another Trinity School - in Midland. The headmaster was calling to see if I had time to come down for lunch the following week. He'd heard about me from their College Advisor and wanted to discuss a possible position with me. The randomness of the call struck me because when I first left my job at Baylor I was drawn to Midland. My experience with the Tall City is limited to summers spent with cousins and two day recruiting trips for Baylor Admissions, so it's hard to explain why my heart leaned there. I had asked around for possible job opportunities in Midland when I left Baylor, but being right before the holidays/end of year nothing turned up right away. I came home to Lubbock hopes held high and focus set on searching there, every now and then gazing toward Dallas - taking shots in the dark. 

I agreed to visit Trinity School and on the drive to Midland simply thought how random the situation was. I was in the middle of waiting to hear back on a third round interview from a Christian company in Dallas - a job I was eager to land. It'd been almost 10 days since I'd met with them. My patience level during the whole process was unnatural, especially considering I'm known for doing everything "90 miles an hour." I credit this to one thing. When I was in my third round interview I was asked what I felt God was telling me about the position. The lock screen of my phone popped to mind. A month earlier I'd scrolled Pinterest looking for "lock screen inspo" and randomly selected this one:

So I told my interviewer Romans 8:24 seemed to be following me around this season. And I was trying to do the verse justice by actively living it out. 

Which is honestly why I agreed to meet with Trinity School of Midland. Something (rather, Someone) kept prompting me to be patient and wise, things I often overlook in decision making. I just kept sensing I needed to explore all my options and remember why I moved back to West Texas in the first place. 

In a few quick months I'd forgotten about Midland and my heart's desire to live there (reason still to be determined). I'd forgotten why I left Waco and moved out west. And I'd forgotten what I really wanted in a job.

Thankfully, the Lord is faithful to the end and used Trinity School to draw my attention back to where He'd placed me. I've now been living in Midland for 3 months serving as Assistant Director of College Advising, and I can honestly say it has been the sweetest surprise. There is a certain fullness knowing you are right where you are supposed to be. Something I've only experienced one other time in my life. 

For the first time, I feel like I've truly waited on Him. And I don't say that as a pat on the back. I say this to tell you that it is beautiful to "trust and wait for what is still unseen." So you may have hope and patience and courage to be bold enough to keep waiting. To do what our culture tells us not to, and be still. Wait. Because sometimes the Lord will surprise you if you let Him and guide you toward the Light Switch. 

Parched Earth

"I'm pregnant!!" she announced at the lunch table.

Immediately my spirit and flesh went to war. "Smile, smile, smile," I heard myself thinking. "This is a cause for celebration, not tears." Somehow I managed not to cry. This precious moment, one my dear friend had been praying for earnestly, felt like just another blow. Just another thing I want so badly, but it's not my time to have. 

Of course the issue is not about my friends pregnancy, at all. In fact I've been praying for this alongside her! No, no. The issue is much grander in scope, comprised of the fact that my other best friends are in the process of adopting a baby girl and my sister? She is in the fun, early stages of dating a guy she really likes. Then of course there's the string of couples on social media that got engaged over the holidays. And let's not forget the guy from college who everyone knew to be a not-so-great guy, yet he also found the love of his life one year post-grad and they are, you guessed it, pregnant. 

And here's the deal. It hurts. It hurts to watch everyone else get what you want; to fall in love, land that big job, start their family. You begin to wonder at all the mistakes you've made and you can't help but think you're being punished. Put in timeout, having to wait your turn, because you messed up just one time too many. Of course this is a lie the enemy is circulating. He wants my sin to follow me around. But also maybe, just maybe, it is time for me to wait my turn and play the cheerleader for my friends. There's the other part of me that realizes I am 25 and the option to pout is long gone. I have to step up to the plate and act in opposition to how I feel. And not just by faking it. It is actually my responsibility to genuinely celebrate the hearts in my community. Like Scripture says, "A friend loves at all times," (Proverbs 17:17). Not just when it feels good or I happen to be in a happy place; at all times. 

Yet, I can't help but ask, how? How do I in the empty places that ache for the same things they're experiencing love on and celebrate their full places? How do I set aside those feelings that rush up when they share their news? How do I wait patiently? With each question I beg of the Lord He replaces it with this same Scripture:

“For I will pour water on the thirsty ground and send streams coursing through the parched earth. ”

— Isaiah 44:3

And I realize, that's the HOW. If I believe God really is Who He says He is, then I also have to believe He is not holding out on me. Because to be jealous of what someone else has or experiences is just that: believing God does not have the best in store for me. 

Does that make it easy? Hardly. But it makes me grow and it draws me closer to the feet of God where I am forced to lay it all down and say, "I can't. Take it." And He will. He will pour water on the thirsty ground. 

So may we celebrate those who are experiencing big life changes as true friends. I promise He will sustain our hearts, just as He is sustaining our loved ones. And when you feel as though you cannot be sincere in your gladness tell Him, and He will send streams coursing through the parched earth. 

What Waco Taught Me

One of my dear friends always encourages me to write out a list of what I learned at the end of every season I go through. She says its a healthy way to see where the Lord led you and to see what choices you maybe shouldn't make again. Writing down what you learn puts power and purpose to the season and forms a seal over your heart in that area. And I have to say it always amazes me how healing the process is, too! 

I am currently coming out of what I consider to be one of the toughest seasons of my life. I moved to Waco in July 2015 for a job with Baylor University's Office of Undergraduate Admissions. I thought it would be a dream to work for my alma mater and be closer to Dallas (without having to actually be in Dallas). I'm not saying that it wasn't great or that my job wasn't a good job. There were definitely silver linings, which I'll get to a little later. However, I will say it was very challenging taking what I expected and introducing it to reality. 

For the sake of overview, I expected my move to Waco to be my first official step towards the rest of my life. In my mind it was me moving forward and on with my life, out from under my parents and toward, let's say, freedom. However, I quickly saw how much I still needed my parents, and especially my Heavenly Father, after a sad breakup and the first six months in town. January 2016 rang in a year of loneliness, apathy, confusion, and searching.

When this Fall finally arrived I decided that I no longer wanted to live in bondage to my situation and resolved to move back home to Lubbock with my family. I resisted this decision for so long, even after clear direction from the Lord, because my pride told me it was a step backwards. Yet, the Lord's promise triumphed fear and here I am! 

So, in the spirit of turning the page and sealing the season I thought I would share my "list" of what Waco taught me over the last 18 months. 

The best part of my Waco adventure. 

I'm Actually an Extrovert. I have always considered myself to be an introvert because I need alone time and space to be quiet. But what I've found is that I really crave to be around other humans soaking up their company. This is where I feel delighted and fueled, which I think allows me to have "writer moments" and hole away when I need to. 

Social Media Voids. What I call our most common form of entertainment is a bit tricky because I do think it should be a place of celebration. But what I learned is that it only creates a deeper void when your heart is not healthy. I had to decide when to shut it off and fight the lies it fed me to take steps toward seeing the Lord's purpose in my life, not others.  

Loneliness  Makes You Bitter.  It is difficult for me to describe what I view loneliness to be. The word still brings up a lot of pain when I use it to depict what 2016 was like. A lot of times the word is associated with being single. What I discovered is that loneliness is so much more than not having a boyfriend. It's feeling as though you have no one: isolation. I found myself growing bitter towards my friends when their lives seemed to be moving right along and anxious that I was to be stuck in this season forever. At times I found it hard to hope for more from life or believe that God would deliver me from my circumstance. 

It Takes the Dark to See the Light. The biggest silver lining from my loneliness is the perspective I grew. Before I left Lubbock for Waco I honestly had a "better-than" attitude about living here. Shameful, I know. But I believe the Lord used my time away to foster an appreciation for my hometown. I now see that a place has value not because of where it is but because of WHO is there. Texas's windy city holds some of my nearest and dearest which makes every second here worth it. 

You Can Choose When to Leave a Season. So much of what we learn to pray for growing up is to be in the Lord's will. While I fully believe in this prayer, I also think that as analytical beings we over-complicate its purpose and rather than catapulting us into bravery, seeking the Lord's will grows vague and paralyzing. I think the biggest thing I learned during my time in Waco is that I can choose when to leave a season and He will be clear with me on which door to walk through. Let me give an example. I fantasize that working for the PGA would be a thrilling career, so in my aching for relocation I applied more than once to jobs with the tour only to never really hear anything back. While I was filling out the last application I told the Lord, "If I don't get an answer on this I will not beg you anymore. I'll move on from applying to the PGA." Less than 10 days later I received that oh-so polite email which basically says, sorry not you. This was the first time I had gotten a clear answer from all my applications and I just knew, it's not where He wants me. It didn't mean I couldn't leave where I was, it just meant I couldn't take that route. 

And so, I look forward to new and unknown beginnings as I write to you from under my parent's roof, grateful to be out of my dark season. I am confident that the Lord has the best in store for me, whether that looks like what I imagine or not. He has never not been faithful to me and as the God Who does not change, His faithfulness will continue, giving me another season to list! 

17 Hopes for 2017

I don't know that I have ever looked forward to the flip of a calendar page more than this year. To put it lightly, 2016 was rough around the edges...and the middle. Even though it's just a date change, the number 2017 is the hope I needed for renewed outlook. I've been most excited and expectant for this upcoming year for many reasons including my move back to Lubbock, but I've always loved the New Year. My personality adores lists and goals and fresh starts. However, those lovable lists can also turn into discouragement come March when I realize I completely forgot about my resolutions and haven't completed a single one. 

This year I decided to take a slightly varied approached to the resolutions list and create hopes instead. My list is a mixture of spiritual, practical and everywhere in between. As I pray over my 17 Hopes for 2017, I'd encourage you to do the same so that you can look back this time next year and see all that the Lord has accomplished for you, as well as in you. Check out my list below and feel free to share yours so I can know how to be praying for your year!

• Run a Half-Marathon
• Commit More Scripture to Memory
• Read 2 Books a Month
• Save Money, Not Spend It
• Find the Balance of Discipline
• Fill jardonnicole with More Content
• Fall in Love with Lubbock
• Study 12 Characters of the Bible
• Consistently Be a Morning Person
• Eat at Home More...Maybe Even Cook
• Draft a Book Proposal ---> Scary thought! 
• Be More Selfless
• Get Back On the Horse (literally)
• Pray Out Loud, Frequently
• Multiple McCasland Visits
• Honor the Sabbath
• Push Myself to the Best in Each Area By Doing Just a Little More Than What Is Required

Happiest 2017 to  you! 

Blunders Into Blessings

In last week's bible study our teacher encouraged us to "ask God for visual reminders of His faithfulness." She followed this statement with the truth that God can take even our blunders and turn them into blessings. Setting up my table at the Lubbock Area College Fair last night, I stepped back and looked at my table. The spot assigned to me was no coincidence. 

7 years ago just one section down from where I stood last night, was my first day in Lubbock as an official Texas Tech student. Sitting in the United Spirit Arena, all at once I knew more than I've ever known anything in my life: I was not where I should be. It took me 2 whole years from that moment in the arena to obey God's holy nudge over my life and finally move to Baylor. You see, my choice to attend Tech in the first place came from a spirit of rebellion and a lack of faith. It was a blunder on my part. But let me tell you that by the grace of God alone, sweet blessings came from this said blunder. The Lord allowed me divine friendships at Tech and again as I stepped out in faithful obedience toward Baylor. 

I didn't earn these friendships or deserve them. I don't even now. But the Lord didn't give them to me because I did a good job or finally had the "right" heart about things. He provided them for me because "the Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; though he may stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with His hand," (Psalm 37:23-24). 

So as I have prayed the Lord has shown me pillars of His faithfulness in my life. And last night it all came full-circle for me again. I never would have imagined 7 years ago that what I thought of as a mistake the Lord would use as a period of redemption and restoration; that He would turn my blunder into a blessing. And I wanted to share this visual with you; because what looks like just another table at just another college fair on just any other day, is actually His way of looking at me and saying, "I am faithful." I pray that He would reveal His faithfulness in the most unlikely ways to you as well. And may you be reminded of how He has turned your blunders into blessings. He is a good Father and ever faithful. 

Wreck 'em, Tech! & Sic 'em, Bears! 

The Season of Returning

I've spent the majority of 2016 in apathy. After coming out of the new year gate strong and full of resolve I ran into a road bump around March and lost this said resolve. I knew I was numb but didn't recognize the sin of apathy hanging over me until an awakening conversation with my sister, Makenzie, at the beginning of August. 

This conversation opened my eyes to the well-known, but not often well-lived, fact that our relationship with God is not based on emotion or feelings. Again, so much easier said than done. We both realized that we had to choose to seek God even when it didn't feel good or when it didn't seem like anything was happening. So foundationally basic. But so needed. 

That conversation gave me the motivation I needed to start having time alone with the Father and spending more time in His word. And as I worked on my diligence I want to note here that while He didn't abandon me, I didn't really see a difference for a few weeks. I say this because I don't want it to seem like a magic wand was waved. I had a great conversation that inspired me to get my ducks in a row and voila! I'd found a spiritual high again. That is most certainly not what happened. And I tell you what, I am so thankful it isn't. Here's why: through the mediocre and very normal, daily pursuit of the Lord He has been teaching me things I didn't even realize until now. He has been slowly revealing more of His character to me and demonstrating that He truly is my only source of joy. He is also very unique in the timing He chooses to move in our lives.

About the time I decided to get my act together the calendar turned the page to Teshuva, or the season of returning. In Scripture Teshuva is a holy time in which God's people work towards returning their hearts and lives back to Him before His new year. It is a time where we are to evaluate our sin and where we are in our walks. When I learned that this was the season on God's calendar, I felt completely loved by Him. He wanted me to return to Him and to fight for our relationship. And in so doing He would cleanse me of all unrighteousness and prepare me for a new year. Another cool thing about His timing: my birthday fell within this season. So not only was it a new year in Scripture, but personally for me as well.  

While the season of returning is never truly over in our walks with the Lord, I do want to share what He taught me during this time: 

• Pray for discerning eyes. Everything has a spiritual aspect to it. We are in a constant spiritual battle; especially the more we seek God's face. The enemy is afraid of the power of Christ in us and as we utilize that power, he will try to attack us. No exceptions.
• The enemy is not creative. He knows what has worked to bring defeat on my heart in the past and is going to try to reuse the same methods. This is why it is important to pray for discerning eyes in order to recognize his tactics and same old patterns.
• Some sins are actually strongholds. I'd never really stopped to think about the sins that I kept coming back to. I just thought it was a "struggle" I would always bear. But these so-called-struggles are actually strongholds and cycles that we have to break. Here's what Beth Moore says about strongholds in her devotional Praying God's Word: "A stronghold is anything that exalts itself in our minds, 'pretending' to be bigger or more powerful than our God. It steals much of our focus and causes us to feel overpowered...it is something that consumes so much of our emotional and mental energy that abundant life is strangled...Needless to say, these are precisely the enemy's goals," (p.3). Once we recognize the strongholds in our life, we can know how to combat them through prayer. 
• Pray specific prayers. Time and time again the Lord has brought me to Isaiah 7:11 where He tells Ahaz, "Ask for a sign from your God. Ask anything. Be extravagant. Ask for the moon!" I believe the Lord wants us to pray specifically. He already knows what is in our hearts, so why not just be honest with Him? This leads me to the last thing I want to share.
• An attitude of gratitude. For me, to be thankful in all things is one of life's most difficult challenges. However, thankfulness is a part of the armor of God and is how we open up our hearts for the Holy Spirit to accomplish all the rest. This ties into praying specific prayers by preparing your heart for a "No" from the Father. And when your prayers aren't answered exactly how you'd asked, resolve to say "Thank you," instead of "Why not?" This so difficult to do. And just this weekend I had a situation I was praying for not come through. I cried for a different result; yet, even though I really didn't feel like it, I chose to praise God in the midst of it. And in the middle of my choosing to fight against my feelings I felt the Lord whisper to me, "I still want more time with you." How amazing it is that even though I wasn't wanting what He wanted, He still chose to speak to me and answer my prayer?! 

I pray that what the Lord is continuing to teach me translates over into your hearts and He reveals more and more of Himself to you in this new year. 

Twenty-Five

I've been mulling over and over what I wanted to say about this birthday, about turning 25, about growing older, yet remaining young. I wanted it to be impacting, memorable, and enlightening. But really all I've got to say about this sweet & free season of life is that IT. IS. HARD.

No, it's not the kind of hard where I get 3 hours of sleep a night, or have to cram for finals, or wonder where my next meal will come from. And I recognize that in terms of other people's hards, mine is relatively easy. But it is the kind of hard where I wonder if I'll be single forever, think all my friends have their lives together, have no next steps, try really hard not to be lonely, kind of hard. It's an emotional state where you are sincerely grateful yet doubly working on your jealousy streak. I tell you these things because I know I am not the only one struggling with this season of life. And what I've come to realize is that I made this time in my life hard before I was even here. 

By the time I was 25 I thought I would be engaged (if not married with kids) and feel settled. I thought I would be directed down a certain path, have a specific purpose, know where I was headed at least. The problem with all of this "thinking" is that I had expectations tied to this stage. It was going to look a certain way, feel a certain way and happen a certain way. Never did I think at 25 I would feel lonely, have to walk through the healing of habits or even feel disappointed. 

But guess what? Expectations steal, kill and destroy. They have stolen from me a special time the Lord has given me to work solely on my relationship with Him without any distractions. Instead, I have spent most of my time since graduating college wishing for different, griping for more, coveting other people's lives. I have consistently been dissatisfied on purpose. I have had to un-think my expectations. They have taken from this stage of life by making me think that "if only this," or "if only that," my season of life would be happier, more fulfilling. But of course, as you all guessed, that train of thinking is wholly incorrect. 

You see if I had different or more, I'd only be wishing for different or more from that point of view. Recently a semi-newlywed friend of mine said, "Marriage doesn't fix me. I still have to make the same choices I made when I was single. But now I have the responsibility of someone else to consider." This was good for me to hear because I realized that this particular phase of life I'm in is a huge blessing. I have time to grow and sharpen myself and my relationship with the Lord without having the responsibility of another heart. I also have the privilege of getting to check my baggage of the past now before having to sift through all of my bumps and bruises with another heart. Does this make it easy? Heck no. But it does make it purposeful. And isn't that what we're all searching for in one way or another?

So if you're like me and where you're at has caused a quarter-life crisis of sorts, know this: marriage won't fix it; babies won't change it; moving can't help it; and pretending only makes it worse. But knowing who you are and embracing this season alone with the Lord will. I also think not expecting too much will bring greater joy than expecting someone else's story or for different circumstances. May I, along with you, choose more of Him over this next year. Even, no especially, when it is hard, hurtful & lonely.

And that is what I have to say about turning 25. Cheerio.

Earth in Heaven

I have a love affair with land. I'm not really picky as to the type of land. West Texas sunsets on our ranch make me grateful; evening Hill Country runs fill me up; PGA tournaments inspire my dreams; and the English countryside fills my eyes with tears and my heart with romance. I have often told my mom my ideal lifestyle would be out on a ranch growing a farm and a family........tbd. And honestly, I often worry that this dream, along with many others, will not come to fruition. That I'll be disappointed in the lifestyle I'll lead and "where I end up." I, like any other human heart, beg to see these hopes burst to life. It is a distrust I've had with the Creator of the Universe.  

Recently, however, I encountered an "Aha!" moment during my daily devotional. The setup was quite unique as I was traveling for work and breakfasting in the hotel lobby waiting for other coworkers to arrive. To lock myself away in thought from the noise of other tables I religiously turned on my PGA Live Streaming app. (I say religiously because it was indeed Final Round Sunday). One dream sat before me on my iPad and the health of my heart laid on the table in front of me. I picked up Beth Moore's Whispers of Hope. As I read I felt the Lord unveil a part of me I'd never acknowledged.

“Aspects of this earth really appeal to me. Rugged mountains and rapid rivers...I want Christ so intensely I can hardly bear it, but I realize at times that I want Him here-near the things I love. Then the greater reality hits: He wants you and me there-near the things He loves. ”

— p. 145

The next part is when I awoke:

“Our problem with heaven is fear of trading in the familiar for the ethereal. We picture our future home like a vaporous ghost town where we’ll have see-through bodies and sing for eons. Let’s allow God to readjust our thinking. Heaven is authentic real estate...In heaven we will exchange longing for belonging.”

— p. 145

That's when it hit me - all of the God-given dreams I wish for on this earth will be fulfilled - in heaven. This realization partnered with conviction that there is a part of my heart that dreads heaven. How unchristian of me to say, right? Actually, no. I think this is common among all of us. Heaven is something we aren't capable of comprehending - we're not ready for it yet. Which is why Christ when to make our home ready. 

Along with my conviction that I hold my dreams more dear than being united with my Savior forever, two prayers were answered. The first an answer to the Scripture, "Search me, O God, and know my heart...and see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139:23-24). He revealed to me a sin that I didn't even know I had. The beautiful thing is though, He also answered my dreams all in the same moment. If I never have that ranch or if I never even have a family, in heaven, I will. And in this I can rest: Heaven is the fulfillment of my heart's desires here on earth. 

Opportunity Cost

Opportunity Cost: a benefit you could have received that is given up by another course of action. (Basically, it's opportunities your choices cost you). 

I've been learning a lot lately about the struggles and effects of poor financial choices. It's embarrassing to admit that I don't know how to spend money well and, as of late, it's been a huge stressor in my life. My earthly and heavenly fathers have been extremely gracious and patient with me, helping me learn how to make better choices. In a recent conversation with my dad I was complaining about paying for one fun thing or another and he said, "Well, that's just going to cost you somewhere else." In other words, "that's an opportunity cost." 

This statement has followed me around ever since our conversation. Every purchase I make, each meal I eat out, any stop I make at the gas pump, my thought is, "This is costing me somewhere else." And that thought sprouted another collection of thoughts: each choice I make personally is like my bank account- it costs me somewhere else - be that mentally, physically, relationally, or more importantly, spiritually. 

The hardest thing about opportunity costs is more often than not, they don't occur immediately. Financial choices I made last Fall and late this Spring are just now catching up to me and I'm having to unwind a year's worth of choices. It's the exact same way with our sin. Sin has the greatest opportunity cost. We may not face consequences in the same moment we make our sinful choices, but it does eventually catch up, whether we see it or not. Scripture illustrates this point: 

“Yet He does not leave the guilty unpunished; He punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generations.”

— Exodus 34:7 (NIV)

It's scary to realize that even at (almost) 25 the choices I make today will affect my children and their children. What a huge motivator! 

Now, clearly our God is a God of forgiveness. Scripture also says that when we seek His forgiveness our sins are no more. He literally forgets them. So what does that mean in regards to spiritual economics? Well, theres a flip side to this whole opportunity cost thing. It's effects are not all negative. In fact, positive and faith-filled choices we make can have a reversing effect. Romans 4:5 says that when we choose to believe God, our faith is credited to us as righteousness. Beth Moore puts it this way: 

“All that time I thought God was counting my sins, and He was counting my faith as righteousness instead.”

— Believing God, p. 96.

This means every time we come to a crossroad of choices, we can either choose to withdraw from our spiritual piggy banks, or we can make a deposit through faith. While I am still working this out with my real life piggy bank, my prayer is for my heart and yours to store up our treasures in heaven through depositing our faith in God. 

She Speaks - God is Who He Says He Is

“Life’s too short not to do what you love. You’re going,” my dad’s text replied. His response to my question of “will you guys pray with me about going to this conference, She Speaks,” humbled me deeply. 

I consider my writing, the pouring out of my heart through words, a hobby. I enjoy it immensely and feel as though the Lord uses it to heal me and hopefully, others. So my father’s generosity seemed grand. And when I landed in Concord, NC, I was overwhelmed with a lot of feels about how I was not deserving to be so treated. This was all just too much. I was not worthy of this gift.

But those are the types of parents the Lord blessed me with. The ones that say you are worthy. They are a sincere reflection of our heavenly Father's heart. So this post is not just a recap of my experience, it is a tribute to my parents for believing in my desires and fostering a life for me to run fast after my dreams and to run fast after the Father.

---

As I sat in my chair amongst 800 other women in that Embassy Suites conference room, I felt the Lord whisper, "you are here to absorb. Just bear witness." And so I did. I hadn't arrived with any expectations but what I didn't realize was that I was there to bear witness to a movement. A movement of women cheering on women, encouraging vulnerability and simply offering their most to the Father. 

There was no fuss or fanciness to their vulnerability. It was pure belief. Belief that God is who He says He is. Belief that God can do what He says He can do. Belief that we are all God says we are.  

You could feel the belief in each room, in each workshop, in each heart. These women were simply showing up. They were doing the “next hard thing.” Meeting the Father where He said He would be with hearts hungry to be used.  

Saturday morning I read the portion of Numbers where the Lord takes Moses up into the Abarim Mountains overlooking the Promised Land. The place where he gets to see everything he’s been leading the Israelites towards, working towards, fighting for. The place he’ll never get to experience. Because Moses “didn’t honor (the Lord) in holy reverence before (the people) in the matter of the waters… in the Wilderness of Zin,” (27:14).

And it had me thinking about this whole writer’s biz and the women at She Speaks. What if everything we are pouring out, everything we are working for, fighting against, what if it is something we will never get to experience.

You see when God encourages you to share your gifts, you expect them to be received. And to know they’ve been received. But what if we don’t get to enjoy that. What if this is simply about honoring the Lord and believing Him for who He is and watching someone else get to take our hard work into the Promised Land. Is it enough? Is it still worth it? Is God still who He says He is?

I have to say that it is. But it is not an easy or automatic response of mine. Here's why I say that it is worth it: When I look at Moses’s life I see who he spent almost all of his time with. The Father. He knew Him intimately, passionately, deeply. So I would say although Moses never set foot in the Promised Land, all of his energy and purpose spent in the Wilderness was worth knowing the Lord in a way most of us could never imagine. 

I am thankful for She Speaks and how my eyes were opened through the obedience of those 800 women, testifying that God is Who He Says He is. Simply there to meet with him, saying that this is all worth it. I don't get a book deal? Worth it. No one reads my blog? Worth it. Because You have called me and You are worth it. 

So friend, no matter your gifts or what you think you’re working towards→ IT IS WORTH IT! Because when the Father calls you into vulnerability it is not for results, social media likes, or glory. It is for intimacy, humility and a greater understanding that God is Who He Says He is. How special to know he wants us so close. 

McCasland Memories

Certain people in your life impact you from the very moment you meet them. You form an immediate connection which feels as though they have always been apart of you. There a handful of individuals I personally have this divine relationship with. The McCaslands 100% fall into this category.

My connection to the McCasland family goes all the way back to my 12th summer. I would spend a week of my summers with my cousins the Sheppards in Midland, which just so happened to be where Grant McCasland was coaching. It also just so happened that the Sheppards and the McCaslands were best friends. My first impression of Grant and Cece will forever stay with me: so full of life and joy, radiating Christ through and through.

When I transferred to Baylor in the fall of 2011 I knew not a soul in either Waco or on campus. It was a choice I made completely out of faith and in full peace. Little did I know the Lord had a great reward waiting for me on the other side of this decision. Grant had also just transferred his family to Baylor, accepting an assistant coaching position for the men’s basketball team. My cousin Emmy told me about their move when she heard I was transferring and encouraged me to reach out to Cece. I will always remember sitting in my car outside of my first Baylor home talking to Cece on the phone for almost an hour. Even though we really didn’t know each other, it felt as if we had always been friends. With Grant being new in his job and recruitment being the name of the game, Cece was in need of someone to help their family meet daily needs. Oh and not to mention they had four kids under the age of seven, with the youngest barely a year old. Nothing excited me more than an opportunity to live life with this family.

When I graduated from Baylor two years ago, saying goodbye to this dear family was heartbreaking. And in the year to follow there was an emptiness in my life that they had once filled. Last summer though, the Lord exhibited faithfulness to me again by reuniting me with the Macs. I landed my current position in Baylor Admissions and needed a temporary home for my first month in town. Grant and Cece opened their home to me and we belonged to each other once more.

This post has been very difficult for me to write, because yet again I have had to bid my McCasland family adieu. In April, Grant was named the head coach for Arkansas State’s men’s basketball team, a great honor that no one less could deserve. I have seen him and his sweet family work harder than anyone I know to achieve this dream and folks, our God is good.

I often have moments where I step back and realize that our Lord is so very faithful and the McCaslands are literal, physical evidence of His goodness to me. Waco has always felt like my home and I completely attribute that feeling to their presence here. Two of my biggest unknowns have revolved around moving to this town and I know without a doubt not having their family here to lean on, and even live with, would have meant a much more daunting adjustment for my heart. Their home has been a retreat for me; from the hectic days, the hard moments and the lonely ones. The radiance of Christ in each of their wonderful faces has pulled me from darkness, healing some of my hurts and ushering me further into His truth. They welcomed me with open arms into some of their most private places and from day one I knew that I was family. While not by blood, I consider Amaris, Jett, Jersey and Beckett my first set of nieces and nephews; I will always love those babies as such. I am filled to the brim with gratitude over how they allowed me to know them truly, how they trusted me fully and believed in me always.

While goodbyes are never fun or easy (and unfortunately for us, this is round 2), I know Waco’s loss is Arkansas’s gain and I am so proud for my McCasland family. This is such an exciting time! The Lord is using their hearts to usher in His Kingdom and the Jonesboro community will be deeply blessed.

Forever holding onto my McCasland memories.

Sidebar.

You hear this a lot in ministry, from Christian authors, out of sermons: "let me be the first to say I am most guilty of (fill in the blank)." So I hate to be a simple echo, but I do want you to know that from the beating of my heart my writings are mostly an out pour to myself, about myself, talking to my guilt, shame, insecurity. I use this format to be visible to you that I AM FLAWED. I want you to know I STRUGGLE. I come here to lay down my pride and form a sense of accountability. 

There is such a voice of Pinterest Perfect in our lives that I do not want that to overshadow the raw, human effort of striving after our Father's promised holiness. (And obviously by striving I mean surrendering, because we. cannot. do. it. ourselves.) 

And I want my struggle to make you FREE. To help you realize it is A-Okay to drive to that Sonic parking spot and cry your little eyes out. But to also remind you that happiness is cool too, and not everything has to be about the doom and gloom or the hardship. There are different seasons of life for different reasons, and honestly some seasons are just plain easy. So just because you aren't hurting right now, doesn't mean you aren't living. You're not doing anything wrong. Happy times are there to look back on; signposts we can point at and say, "My God does what He promises." So be happy. Or be hurting. Or be somewhere in between. Our God is big enough for it all. He is there in it all. Embrace it all. 

"Make a Hand, Son"

We lost Grandad a week ago today. One week. Seems like too small a number for how long this week felt.

The initial shock of it all comes on like a fact. "He's gone," shoots straight to the point of pain where it numbs your nerves. You get out of the car just the same as you got in. Your tears hurt, but in an out of body type way. You heard what Dad said but you don't realize what it means. Logistics take place of feelings and it becomes more about picking Brother up from the airport than understanding your father is an orphan.
 

Grandad with my dad and uncle, the infamous Jardy and Yardy. 

Then you pull up to his house. The same house we lost Grandma in 20 years ago. The same house Jardy and Yardy came home to. The same house you picked pecans in, looked at coin collections in and were toted around in a wheelbarrow in. Although there's pain, you know you aren't feeling enough. Your hurt doesn't justify the lost life. "Why don't I feel more?" The same house where numbness seeps in.

Me and Grandma. 

Toting around in the wheelbarrow. 

There is no other word that has crossed my mind this long week more than "weird." Death is weird. Watching your dad lose his dad is weird. Watching your uncle and dad cry together is weird. Constantly counting people to see where Grandad is, is weird. Feeling as though all time has stood still for 4 solid days is weird. You can't put into words for other people what your grieving process is like. You shuffle back and forth between guilt of what you could've done more of and the appreciation of the time you did have.

It's hard to make other people understand how you process loss. For me, it's been in waves. I'll be very calm and there won't be hurt. Then suddenly I feel it rising up within me. Slowly then all at once. One deep breath and tears flow. Calmness settles in again and repeat. 

Meeting Grandad for the first time. 

It's also hard to explain how you can experience fullness of life upon someone's death. Like I said, weird. This week while filled with sorrow, was also filled with a whole lot of love. You do a lot of sitting and waiting in these long weeks. Waiting for the inevitable to catch up to the happened. Waiting for the "I'm sorrys" and the casseroles. Waiting for the neighbor to walk in and the cousins to arrive. Waiting for that 2:00 on Tuesday. And during that waiting you talk. You talk about things you haven't talked about in years. And as strange as it feels to say, the talking is so sweet.

I learned more about my grandad this week than I may have known my whole life. And oh how he loved his boys and his family. A beautiful thing I'm drawn to when people die is their legacy. The one found in their bloodline. My Grandma's legacy has echoed in the back of my mind since I was old enough to understand a person's impact on the world. And in the past week I got to watch Grandad's legacy go from what would be, to what is. I am an extremely proud granddaughter, daughter and niece.

My little, bald, Bird-self with grandad. 

My father and uncle were always taught to take nothing for granted. The world owed them nothing and if they wanted different, better, more, well then they knew to "make a hand, son." Grandad's famous saying was etched into their DNA and both have exemplified that to me, my brother and cousins. They are a living testimony to my Grandad's hard work.

Grandad lived a simple life, but one of character. He was neither fake nor filtered and because of that he loved deeply, yet quietly. You knew where he stood, always. And I am so appreciative of that.  

As my family processes this loss, my prayer has been that we would truly learn to “make a hand, son.”

The marriage of LaRue Sheppard and Roland Powell, my grandma and grandad. Finally together again after 20 years. 

Arrows

Recently, I've found myself crying at the most random, simplest things. Not like busting out sobs over here. But weepy, "I'm so upset Friday Night Lights is over," Noah and Allie kind of tears. Part of me thinks I'm being such a girl. And the other part of me is relieved the soul of my heart is softening. At my core, tears are a healthy daily vitamin. Yet, I spent the better part of 2015 without them. 

It's crazy how when we continually shut ourselves down or shut truth out, the little things disappear. Then those little things build a big wall and suddenly you are cold hearted. 

You think if you ignore the Holy Spirit, that sinking in your gut, that prompting in your heart, the sound of your heartbeat in your ears, if you ignore all of that just this once, you'll catch Him next time. Funny thing about next time...He's not quite as loud. But you know what is? Your fears, insecurities, desperate need for instant gratification. 

This all sounds so basic. So Sunday School of me to say, right? Yet, the question must be begged, how do we get from black and white to gray? Why are things more confusing the older we get? How did the 12 year old version of myself know if I was a person of integrity, but at 24 the answer varies?

I think all of this stems from that one time ignoring of the Holy Spirit's prompting. That's how we muddy the waters. That coupled with not believing God at His Word. For why would we ignore the Holy Spirit in the first place if we believed God at His Word?

There is so much to learn on actually believing God versus simply believing in God. And we will all die trying to perfect the former. 

I recently read an old Rabbi saying that what God promises us, we can already accept as accomplished because the Lord is outside of time. Thus, what He says will happen, already has! I loved this because I felt like it helped me understand how to process the promises He puts before me. I also felt like that concept helped me to know Him better.

As I was journaling the other night, I felt the Lord give me the vision of an arrow and how it can be divided into 3 parts: the quills, the shaft and the arrowhead. The quills represent the influencers in your life. Your family, friends, social media, your job, music you listen to... you get the idea. The shaft is your core. It's who you are. Your personality, character, beliefs. And the arrowhead represents the Lord's vision and direction for you-in life and in various seasons of life as well. 

Here's the point: Without you, the core and shaft of the arrow, there is no arrow. You are God's connector between the quills in your life and His vision/direction for you. But you should choose your quills wisely, because they determine where your arrow goes, or if it flies at all. One broken quill and your arrow has no direction. Determining what your arrowhead is and the direction it flies in, well, that rests between you and the Holy Spirit. Which brings me back to what I was saying earlier about ignoring Him even just that once. When you do that, you are removing your arrows. You take away your sense of direction. And we all know, without vision the people perish.

So take it from the girl who got her weepy tears back: instead of ignoring the heartbeat sound in your eardrums, next time ask, what is my arrowhead? Am I about to break a quill? 

“Form your purpose by asking for counsel, then carry it out using all the help you can get...The very steps we take come from God; otherwise, how would we know where we are going?”

— Proverbs 20: 18 & 24

'Tis the Season

The holiday season came quickly this year, much like it always does. It has been so exciting for me to have my own place for the first time to fill with the magic of the season. I have loved getting to host, bake, decorate and celebrate with the new friends who make this life that much more full.  Special memories are being made in this short window of my twenty-something life. 

My first (baby) tree. I was most excited about finally getting to hang my ornament from Harrod's in London. 

Hosted a holiday gathering with the best of admissions. 

Had so much fun at my friend Haley's holiday gathering in Addison. I could look at those trees for days. 

While this season has been full of new and fun celebrations, it has also been a big season of change and challenge. I have welcomed it with open arms but there is always a lot to process when the winds of life blow swiftly in a new direction. Going home is my method for dealing with these winds of change. Some people may see it as running away. But for me, it is a place of escape and rest. It is where I can be fully broken, and made fully alive. It is my place of healing. Cambridge and I both are thankful to have this retreat to return to. 

Backyard vagabond. 

Brother Sister Tradition. Proud to say I won for the first time in... a few years. 

No family is perfect, and ours certainly isn't. But they fit my heart just like they should and their open arms and Peanuts Monopoly are what this season is all about. Can't wait for another few days at home enjoying yummy food anticipating the year ahead.