One of my dear friends always encourages me to write out a list of what I learned at the end of every season I go through. She says its a healthy way to see where the Lord led you and to see what choices you maybe shouldn't make again. Writing down what you learn puts power and purpose to the season and forms a seal over your heart in that area. And I have to say it always amazes me how healing the process is, too!
I am currently coming out of what I consider to be one of the toughest seasons of my life. I moved to Waco in July 2015 for a job with Baylor University's Office of Undergraduate Admissions. I thought it would be a dream to work for my alma mater and be closer to Dallas (without having to actually be in Dallas). I'm not saying that it wasn't great or that my job wasn't a good job. There were definitely silver linings, which I'll get to a little later. However, I will say it was very challenging taking what I expected and introducing it to reality.
For the sake of overview, I expected my move to Waco to be my first official step towards the rest of my life. In my mind it was me moving forward and on with my life, out from under my parents and toward, let's say, freedom. However, I quickly saw how much I still needed my parents, and especially my Heavenly Father, after a sad breakup and the first six months in town. January 2016 rang in a year of loneliness, apathy, confusion, and searching.
When this Fall finally arrived I decided that I no longer wanted to live in bondage to my situation and resolved to move back home to Lubbock with my family. I resisted this decision for so long, even after clear direction from the Lord, because my pride told me it was a step backwards. Yet, the Lord's promise triumphed fear and here I am!
So, in the spirit of turning the page and sealing the season I thought I would share my "list" of what Waco taught me over the last 18 months.
The best part of my Waco adventure.
I'm Actually an Extrovert. I have always considered myself to be an introvert because I need alone time and space to be quiet. But what I've found is that I really crave to be around other humans soaking up their company. This is where I feel delighted and fueled, which I think allows me to have "writer moments" and hole away when I need to.
Social Media Voids. What I call our most common form of entertainment is a bit tricky because I do think it should be a place of celebration. But what I learned is that it only creates a deeper void when your heart is not healthy. I had to decide when to shut it off and fight the lies it fed me to take steps toward seeing the Lord's purpose in my life, not others.
Loneliness Makes You Bitter. It is difficult for me to describe what I view loneliness to be. The word still brings up a lot of pain when I use it to depict what 2016 was like. A lot of times the word is associated with being single. What I discovered is that loneliness is so much more than not having a boyfriend. It's feeling as though you have no one: isolation. I found myself growing bitter towards my friends when their lives seemed to be moving right along and anxious that I was to be stuck in this season forever. At times I found it hard to hope for more from life or believe that God would deliver me from my circumstance.
It Takes the Dark to See the Light. The biggest silver lining from my loneliness is the perspective I grew. Before I left Lubbock for Waco I honestly had a "better-than" attitude about living here. Shameful, I know. But I believe the Lord used my time away to foster an appreciation for my hometown. I now see that a place has value not because of where it is but because of WHO is there. Texas's windy city holds some of my nearest and dearest which makes every second here worth it.
You Can Choose When to Leave a Season. So much of what we learn to pray for growing up is to be in the Lord's will. While I fully believe in this prayer, I also think that as analytical beings we over-complicate its purpose and rather than catapulting us into bravery, seeking the Lord's will grows vague and paralyzing. I think the biggest thing I learned during my time in Waco is that I can choose when to leave a season and He will be clear with me on which door to walk through. Let me give an example. I fantasize that working for the PGA would be a thrilling career, so in my aching for relocation I applied more than once to jobs with the tour only to never really hear anything back. While I was filling out the last application I told the Lord, "If I don't get an answer on this I will not beg you anymore. I'll move on from applying to the PGA." Less than 10 days later I received that oh-so polite email which basically says, sorry not you. This was the first time I had gotten a clear answer from all my applications and I just knew, it's not where He wants me. It didn't mean I couldn't leave where I was, it just meant I couldn't take that route.
And so, I look forward to new and unknown beginnings as I write to you from under my parent's roof, grateful to be out of my dark season. I am confident that the Lord has the best in store for me, whether that looks like what I imagine or not. He has never not been faithful to me and as the God Who does not change, His faithfulness will continue, giving me another season to list!