I've spent the majority of 2016 in apathy. After coming out of the new year gate strong and full of resolve I ran into a road bump around March and lost this said resolve. I knew I was numb but didn't recognize the sin of apathy hanging over me until an awakening conversation with my sister, Makenzie, at the beginning of August.
This conversation opened my eyes to the well-known, but not often well-lived, fact that our relationship with God is not based on emotion or feelings. Again, so much easier said than done. We both realized that we had to choose to seek God even when it didn't feel good or when it didn't seem like anything was happening. So foundationally basic. But so needed.
That conversation gave me the motivation I needed to start having time alone with the Father and spending more time in His word. And as I worked on my diligence I want to note here that while He didn't abandon me, I didn't really see a difference for a few weeks. I say this because I don't want it to seem like a magic wand was waved. I had a great conversation that inspired me to get my ducks in a row and voila! I'd found a spiritual high again. That is most certainly not what happened. And I tell you what, I am so thankful it isn't. Here's why: through the mediocre and very normal, daily pursuit of the Lord He has been teaching me things I didn't even realize until now. He has been slowly revealing more of His character to me and demonstrating that He truly is my only source of joy. He is also very unique in the timing He chooses to move in our lives.
About the time I decided to get my act together the calendar turned the page to Teshuva, or the season of returning. In Scripture Teshuva is a holy time in which God's people work towards returning their hearts and lives back to Him before His new year. It is a time where we are to evaluate our sin and where we are in our walks. When I learned that this was the season on God's calendar, I felt completely loved by Him. He wanted me to return to Him and to fight for our relationship. And in so doing He would cleanse me of all unrighteousness and prepare me for a new year. Another cool thing about His timing: my birthday fell within this season. So not only was it a new year in Scripture, but personally for me as well.
While the season of returning is never truly over in our walks with the Lord, I do want to share what He taught me during this time:
- Pray for discerning eyes. Everything has a spiritual aspect to it. We are in a constant spiritual battle; especially the more we seek God's face. The enemy is afraid of the power of Christ in us and as we utilize that power, he will try to attack us. No exceptions.
- The enemy is not creative. He knows what has worked to bring defeat on my heart in the past and is going to try to reuse the same methods. This is why it is important to pray for discerning eyes in order to recognize his tactics and same old patterns.
- Some sins are actually strongholds. I'd never really stopped to think about the sins that I kept coming back to. I just thought it was a "struggle" I would always bear. But these so-called-struggles are actually strongholds and cycles that we have to break. Here's what Beth Moore says about strongholds in her devotional Praying God's Word: "A stronghold is anything that exalts itself in our minds, 'pretending' to be bigger or more powerful than our God. It steals much of our focus and causes us to feel overpowered...it is something that consumes so much of our emotional and mental energy that abundant life is strangled...Needless to say, these are precisely the enemy's goals," (p.3). Once we recognize the strongholds in our life, we can know how to combat them through prayer.
- Pray specific prayers. Time and time again the Lord has brought me to Isaiah 7:11 where He tells Ahaz, "Ask for a sign from your God. Ask anything. Be extravagant. Ask for the moon!" I believe the Lord wants us to pray specifically. He already knows what is in our hearts, so why not just be honest with Him? This leads me to the last thing I want to share.
- An attitude of gratitude. For me, to be thankful in all things is one of life's most difficult challenges. However, thankfulness is a part of the armor of God and is how we open up our hearts for the Holy Spirit to accomplish all the rest. This ties into praying specific prayers by preparing your heart for a "No" from the Father. And when your prayers aren't answered exactly how you'd asked, resolve to say "Thank you," instead of "Why not?" This so difficult to do. And just this weekend I had a situation I was praying for not come through. I cried for a different result; yet, even though I really didn't feel like it, I chose to praise God in the midst of it. And in the middle of my choosing to fight against my feelings I felt the Lord whisper to me, "I still want more time with you." How amazing it is that even though I wasn't wanting what He wanted, He still chose to speak to me and answer my prayer?!
I pray that what the Lord is continuing to teach me translates over into your hearts and He reveals more and more of Himself to you in this new year.