I've been mulling over and over what I wanted to say about this birthday, about turning 25, about growing older, yet remaining young. I wanted it to be impacting, memorable, and enlightening. But really all I've got to say about this sweet & free season of life is that IT. IS. HARD.
No, it's not the kind of hard where I get 3 hours of sleep a night, or have to cram for finals, or wonder where my next meal will come from. And I recognize that in terms of other people's hards, mine is relatively easy. But it is the kind of hard where I wonder if I'll be single forever, think all my friends have their lives together, have no next steps, try really hard not to be lonely, kind of hard. It's an emotional state where you are sincerely grateful yet doubly working on your jealousy streak. I tell you these things because I know I am not the only one struggling with this season of life. And what I've come to realize is that I made this time in my life hard before I was even here.
By the time I was 25 I thought I would be engaged (if not married with kids) and feel settled. I thought I would be directed down a certain path, have a specific purpose, know where I was headed at least. The problem with all of this "thinking" is that I had expectations tied to this stage. It was going to look a certain way, feel a certain way and happen a certain way. Never did I think at 25 I would feel lonely, have to walk through the healing of habits or even feel disappointed.
But guess what? Expectations steal, kill and destroy. They have stolen from me a special time the Lord has given me to work solely on my relationship with Him without any distractions. Instead, I have spent most of my time since graduating college wishing for different, griping for more, coveting other people's lives. I have consistently been dissatisfied on purpose. I have had to un-think my expectations. They have taken from this stage of life by making me think that "if only this," or "if only that," my season of life would be happier, more fulfilling. But of course, as you all guessed, that train of thinking is wholly incorrect.
You see if I had different or more, I'd only be wishing for different or more from that point of view. Recently a semi-newlywed friend of mine said, "Marriage doesn't fix me. I still have to make the same choices I made when I was single. But now I have the responsibility of someone else to consider." This was good for me to hear because I realized that this particular phase of life I'm in is a huge blessing. I have time to grow and sharpen myself and my relationship with the Lord without having the responsibility of another heart. I also have the privilege of getting to check my baggage of the past now before having to sift through all of my bumps and bruises with another heart. Does this make it easy? Heck no. But it does make it purposeful. And isn't that what we're all searching for in one way or another?
So if you're like me and where you're at has caused a quarter-life crisis of sorts, know this: marriage won't fix it; babies won't change it; moving can't help it; and pretending only makes it worse. But knowing who you are and embracing this season alone with the Lord will. I also think not expecting too much will bring greater joy than expecting someone else's story or for different circumstances. May I, along with you, choose more of Him over this next year. Even, no especially, when it is hard, hurtful & lonely.
And that is what I have to say about turning 25. Cheerio.
